一场欢喜一场空 . . .

我还以为她终于会约我出去了....可是却是一场欢喜一场空...原来她也约了其他人一起去...是我想太多了吗....?我想我是真的想太多了....真是个短暂的喜悦和快乐....

突然好想一个人静静去吹吹海风...

我现在的心情就象照片里的那艘船...在那么的黑那么的无助的茫茫大海中行驶...是暴风雨即将来临?还是我心理的曙光就是那么微不足道...

雨后真的有曙光和彩虹吗???

爱真的需要勇气..可是离开更需要勇气...

我的心里感觉到一整整的的刺痛...不知不觉的忍不住眼泪的落下...不知该说什么才好..只想一个人好好的静一静...她的那个问题..是Alfred 或 还可以比较爱常在心?这个问题仿佛让我觉得我不能象还可以这样的爱她..我根本不能象还可以这样..我没还可以这样的伟大...我真的办不到...因为我根本不是还可以.....

想到明天要看到她...我根本不知道我应该如何是好...我真的没离开她的那种勇气, 我真的真的做不到..可是我能还能这么做...一个人默默的离开吗.....?

爱一个人真的只希望她能幸福快乐吗? 就算那个带给她幸福和快乐的人不是我? 我真的做得到吗? 我连最出追她的机会都没有...我不设想她可以给我的任何承诺但却渴望她给我一个机会..哪怕多么微小的一个机会...我都会好好的保握这一个难得的机会....可是我却得不到我盼望已久的这个机会...


我的心真的好痛好难过......

梁静茹 - 勇气

终于做了这个决定
别人怎么说我不理
只要你也一样的肯定

我愿意天涯海角都随你去
我知道一切不容易
我的心一直温习说服自己
最怕你忽然说要放弃

爱真的需要勇气
来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定
我的爱就有意义

我们都需要勇气
去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里
你的真心

如果我的坚强任性
会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒
我虽然心太急
更害怕错过你

Spending Quiet Moments By The River ....

Haven been feeling great this week...experiencing the feelings of roller coaster..I was so happy that I actually lunch with her alone during yesterday public holiday...Although it wasn't really a fantastic lunch or what but at least I am able to lunch with her alone..no one else but just her...Do not know how she feels but I am really happy to be able to just have lunch with her only...Its simply a great feeling to be able to spend time with her...

But I was feeling like hell when I am back to office...Realize that I have forgotten to send an instruction to custodian to exercise the rights on behalf of client....Such a mistake I really should not be making but I made it...I also do not know how the hell I miss out on that...I really don't feel good about this...Been holding high expectation of myself being a perfectionist but yet I committed such mistake...and a possible loss of AUD37k...haiz...

Took a walk by the river after work...Looking at the water and slowing down my pace of walking suddenly make me feel more relax and feeling so comfortable with the breeze blowing onto my face...As the sun sets, the buildings got lighted up...somehow i realize that if we have slow down our pace in our life there are actually many simple things in our life that are beautiful and amazing...

Sat by the Merlion alone to have some quiet thoughts... Thinking of work....thinking of her.....spending quiet moments by myself...And this song just captivates my heart while I was spending some quiet time by myself...


Bedingfield, Daniel - If You're Not The One

If you're not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one, then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine, then why does your heart return my call?
If you you are not mine, would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through and I hope
You are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you, then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you, then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me, then why does this distance name my life?
If you're not for me, then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through and I hope
You are the one I share my life with

And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray that you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss your body and soul so strong
That it takes my breath away
And I breath you into my heart
And I pray for the strength to stand today

'Cause I love you whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And though my heart is by your side

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

幸福的标准是由知己决定..而不是别人...

幸福是什么? 妳幸福的定义是什么? 我幸福的标准又是什么? 为何要把我们幸福的定义和标准交拖给别人来做决定.. 幸福不是属于我们自己的吗?不是该由我们自己的心来做决定的吗?

我的肯定, 我的直侳, 我对妳的感觉, 比不上别人的一句话吗? 还是我的这一切只能带给妳悲伤,忧愁和难过? 妳的这些感觉和想法我根本都不知道和了解..

我只能用猜想来对待妳的一切的感受.. 那是因为妳在这些对我的感受上, 画上了一句 "我不知道..."

我不能隐藏自己的心理的感受和对妳的感觉, 可能我为一能做的就是一个人静静的必自己离开... 可是当我必自己离开的时候, 妳又告诉我妳会伤心难过...

可是妳又在这一切画上了另一句 "我真的不知道..."

等待与放弃 . . . . .

Been a long time since I last made my entry here...Things seem to be going well for me but still trapped in agony in love...The agony of waiting I guess...But I believe that it is worthwhile to wait and believe what my heart and feelings are telling me...Stubborn, a waste of time or even a fruitless wait maybe coming from others but none of these gonna stop me from what I am heading towards to...As I am clearly aware and understand what am I doing and not just chasing after aimlessly or blindly...25 years to meet someone so similar to me and a simple question to light up my pitch dark night...Its always the simple stuff that we overlooked in our life to make us regret and we slowed down and stopped to look back on these simple stuff...And indeed simple stuffs do does wonders in our life...

And overlooking of such simple stuffs ended up with regret of my life once, not going to let another 25 years to pass to make me realize what I had miss out on the needs in my life...People may feels that I am foolish but I do not think so . .And I will really be a big time fool for the second time if I am to let go the need of my life once again...Regretted once, do not wish to regret all over once again...

这一次的等待
是一个幸福的等待
还是另一个不怀好意的命运

就算是命运的捉弄
我也愿意继续的等待着妳
就算最后妳选择的不是我
我也不会怪妳

因为最后的我
选择了等待
选择了妳

你说是我们相见恨晚 . . . 我说为爱, 你不够勇敢 . . .

Been a tough week... Life is full of so much surprises and up comings...Somethings might struck you but unknowingly you do not realize until you stop and ponder upon on a simple question posted to you..Doesn't this sounds silly to you? I bet so too..what you need and what you want just suddenly seems to be so clear before your eyes.. Its really tormenting to be in a situation like this...But at least I think we are still chatting and communicating as per normal as per friend...Dun really know how long can this last or how much longer I can hold out, but maybe time will tell...Or maybe i discover what i really need and not what i always wanted... Need someone who is on common frequency as me..share the same thinking and joy, luffing at some tootpit jokes and silly mistakes she made....a simple comment like "the fish is so big hor" but it can just made her luffing at her own silliness and blurness hahaha..maybe she is just someone simple and make things much more simpler...that what makes her unique and special i guess...

Does what people say matters so much to you?Why do we need to let others affect our thinking and actions? I really dunoe..but I believe we should act and do stuffs base on what our heart and feeling is telling me...Or rather can someone tell me what is right and wrong in love?Is there really a right and wrong?I dun believe there is right or wrong but rather we should follow our feelings...Must we act other wise just because of what people say? Its so crazy not to listen to what your heart and feeling is telling you but follow what others say? Haiz I really do not understand...I have regretted once cause of my own foolishness and I dun wish to feel so regretful the second time again..

Things are so funny...You cant imagine how much sama-sama-ness we can have in 1 day...starting from IM-ing, food, drinks, dressing, saying the exact same words and sentences at the same time. Its really surprising that I can find someone who is so similar with me in all aspect..Suddenly the "Qian" that i gotten in Japan is starting to flow into my picture...First was the dark clouds will clear..which I feel it is already cleared by now...Efforts will pay and bright prospects..which is in my exam and job....and lastly... The Belated One will come...Will this come true too?

A enjoyable trip or a memories flowing trip of her?

Finally can get to online after so many days as there is no internet in my room and lazy to go down to the lobby....to add more woes to my trip..due to typhoon and earthquake, there isnt any reception on my damn phone..so weird to have no internet and mobile phone in such a high tech world now...

But back to topic...This trip suppose to be a relax and break for all the shits in singapore..but it dun seems so up till now..spent the past few days visiting places of interest in osaka..feel realli weird that the one beside me is not her..i think this trip has so much memories of me and her..i feel like calling her and tell her i miss her.....but i really cant find the courage to do so...Visiting those places that we went to in Jan and now is so much different...Images of her just flows to my mind when I am taking pictures and walking around..even those food that we tried and places...especially the Gyoza at the shin imamiya tower there...its realli so nice and tasty back in Jan..but this time round i went back to eat again..it is not as tasty as before..the taste seems to have change..Ate Mac Pork the past few nights..used to taste like superb but then again the taste that it is in my memories once again taste better...Is it becoz she is not with me? I myself dun deny the fact that i think she plays a part in it..Coz i realli feel that with her around those food we love really tasted much better..but the person with me on this trip is so unfamiliar...how i wish she was here with me...

I went to some of the places that we din manage to go previously, one of the place is the Golden Temple in Kyoto..the place which she says she will love to go...Bought a little hello kitty handphone strip with the Golden Temple minature for her too..also dunoe got chance to pass to her too or not..its so misty between me and her...

Went to Todaiji Temple too..it is in Nara..the so call biggest buddha statue here...it is also one of the world heritage i think..and went to the deer park which we wanted to go too but lack of time previously and end up did not go previously..haiz...all these uncompleted journey between me and her are completed now but she is not the one with me to complete these...i really wish it is her who is with me in this trip..I lost the chance to go these places with her but although i managed to go this time round..the whole feeling is totally different..coz the person with me is not her...dunoe even got chance to bring her with me there again or not too..

Had a quarrel with her a few days back before i lost touch with the world with no reception on my mobile phone..what i wan to tell her or ask her is not being scarastic..but she replied so scarastically..coz previously i did ask her want go oversea together or not and even suggested to plan a short trip to batam or bintan to relax..but i was rejected straight....and now she telling me she going oversea with colleauges tml to hk...i not even comparing why she can choose to go oversea with her frens to hk and not with me..and somemore i fully understand why she cannot come japan with me at this period..i totally know that it is becoz of work and leaves issues..but when she resigned i actually asked her that since next month is so call our important date, so just suggested to go on a short trip for her to relax etc..but she say dun wan...and now goin hk with her frens..i realli dunoe...When she say and ask me to enjoy my japan trip..i so much wanted to tell her that i miss her and i totally dun enjoy my trip here as she is not here with me...before i even can type or what her reply really snapped me off....why cant we really talk nicely?

And its so not me to go "qiu qian"...but I did it here..not once but twice somemore...one is fortune in general and second was love issue..but both of the results were quite similiar and somehow quite zhun too..should i believe or should i not? i also dunoe..or maybe it is just pure concidence?haiz...but what they mentioned on the qian i gotten is really quite accurate for me currently....maybe i should follow what it says?

The fear inside me. . .

It been days that I actually refuse to take her calls and reply her sms-es...all these doesn't feels good at all...Been trying to contact her since then but when she finally contact me i felt so happy that she finally contact me once again but at the same time I felt so afraid and sad to reply her..So afraid that when will she just mia from me again and suddenly appear out of no where after days? I really felt so confuse for all these...what does she really wants? She made me find my directions with her but she is also the one that made me lost all our directions too...

saw some photos few days back once again..is her so called "primary school friend" and her once again...and they were never tag in the album again...isn't the guy suppose to be attached?applied regalia as per wat she said?But every single outing her so called "primary school friend" 's the other half is not there too? or will she be telling mi this time round that the guy doesn't has a FB a.c so cannot tag? I know i been trying to find excuses for her and for me... but i just cant help it...felt damn useless of me...and it felt even more shitty to see her hugging and enjoying and smiling so much in the photos with HIM and during times like that between us? What if i am the one hugging so closely with another girl in the picture..i really wonder how will she feel...

I tried to stand firm but each time her sms comes in, i really wanted to reply but i cant find the courage to press send after i finish typing my sms...and i got really so pissed off too the other day cause she actually asked me why did i remove her from her FB....Would i be so free and stupid to do that when i have been trying to build back our r.s and trying so hard to locate her all these while? When i realise i m not in her list i even tried to send request to add her back praying that she will accept my request...but guess what..she actually rejected and asked me why did i remove her from my list...To me I am a person if i block or remove you i will say the truth, why go hide or deny all these when i hate hypocrites totally....so why would i try to go be a hypocrite myself? Even is FB problem, i got 264 friends in my list, does this has to be so "qiao" that this kind of FB issue only happens between me and her? Happen once maybe..but so many times? I even did testing with my own account by setting up a new account to test...But yet i tried to find excuses for her to get away with all these...blame it on FB, blame it on whatever...except her.. I have already tried finding all kinds of excuses for her to hide up whatever she has done, what else or more you want? I am really tired......

And all these while i been trying to contact her or to talk to her about our house issue, but there wasn't any positive responses from her..n now after our deadline she suddenly just come sms me about want talk about house? how ironic right? ain't this like what she told me the other time? stupid and contradicting myself? isn't this the same case for her?

Felt so afraid to give in once again...I really dunoe . . . . . .

Another sleepess night....

Its already like 7am in the morning and yet i cannot get to sleep..Today is already 1st Aug 09 and I haven got a reply from her...Maybe that the main reason that i cannot sleep even with the help of my liquor...I do not know what will happen to us from here as i think it will be depending on her decision...Will this be a turning point for us? All these seems to be in my head with a big "question mark" Been thinking this and that...here and there...worrying about the answer she is going to give or tell me about the house.. Will she still stick to her previous decision or will she has a change of mind? And what if she still insist no? Or maybe she does not really have the time to think about it since she told me she will be busy this week...

Anyway today is her friend wedding and she is helping out with it as one of the sisters, do not wish to tell her how I feel etc as i do not wish to spoil her day as today is one of her close friends wedding.. So I guess today is another busy day for her as she is going to her friend house early in the morning to start helping out etc all the way till dinner at night..Hopefully she can have some rest in between the day...

Oh ya..just gotten the sms from HDB that Punggol Residence is up for registration to ballot..Told OGF about this and she was so upset and regretting about choosing a unit in Punggol Regalia..And to my surprise she actually changed her appointment of the signing of the first 5% 3 times already..Felt bad about this as previously i was the one who told her that Residence is no longer label in the SLA website and maybe there is no longer such BTO but now suddenly HDB release the news of the launching of Punggol Residence... But I told her that she should actually sort out her problem too with her partner..Maybe things are not too stable or what between them too...

Oh ya...dropped by ION in town with OGF and DJJ on Thurs..first time heading there and was amaze that although times are bad now they still manage to open up such a BIG shopping mall and it even links to wheelock place...Head to a shop call "Nippon-ya", OGF was so excited and crazy over those food inside..running around looking at food and tempted to buy this and that..haha it was kinda of funny to see her running around like a kid although I know that she is a person who will go crazy over those cute and pretty packaging and things..Lucky DJJ was there to stop her from clearing the stocks on the shelves lor...and yes i meant "Clearing the Stocks" haha...

1 more week to go for me to leave Singapore for awhile but its also the first time that i am taking a plane without her beside me ever since we got together...Feels kinda of weird at the same time about this too...Hopefully the damage is not too big this time round there..as i spent about 7k in total back in Jan this year with everything in..Trying to set the budget of between 2k to 2.5k max for this trip there...die die also must try to keep within budget as this suppose to be just a relax trip for me...

To Live My Life To The Fullest Each Day, Is to Live Like There Is No Tml?

Sometimes I really DREAD coming home early from work or logging on to FB..Clicking on links that I should not click..And seeing pictures i should not see...Seeing her in other guy's arms..There are no words that I can use to describe such feelings inside my heart...Pictures from album with her and the so called close primary school fren will NEVER be tagged on her FB..She gave the reason that her frens haven tag finish? But from what i see in those albums of others..those suppose to be tag are ALL TAGGED...except her...one album like that i give it a miss...2 albums also like that how u wan me to feel!!? and what shyt is..i always have to find out all these from other peoples' photo albums..that the shytest thing u can ever find out about someone who u love from OTHER ppl?And claiming that guy is her close primary school fren...close till such extend when we dun even take such photos...I dunoe...really dunoe...can someone enlighten me? And few years back she can complain to me that why i take such "Close" picture with a girl who came to know me while i am working for an event..to think back..the picture is NOTHING compare to hers....Told me that the guy is attached and also ballot the same BTO as us..but in all the outings where is the guy's other half den? no where to be found? or is she in the same state like me? being kept in the dark? Whats TRUTH? what LIES? what is what...I dunoe is there more to come or what but I am really feeling terrible inside my heart...She comment that what i feeling now is nothing compare to what she feels for years and its an understatement to compare the shyt feeling i feel to hers...But did I ever 2 time her? I maybe wrong in handling our r.s and at faults for all these...but did I ever give her the shyt feeling of being 2 time....Still love me was a statement she made n told me...but the actions she does tell mi like wise...m i really like what my close buddies said..I m just a spare tyre to her? when she finally can get over me she will just leave with the guy? So much I denied from so insecure...but yet i still believe in her...is this the right choice? the right belief?

Yesterday my brother actually called me and asked stuff about me and her..I was really caught by surprise by my bro..Is like me and him never in our life talk about such issue through out 20+ years...but he is actually the one who called me up and ask about r.s stuff...Its rather awkward as I dun really share my problems with my family...let alone r.s issues...but his care and concern really move me and inspire me even more to cherish my family and my love ones...Went for a dinner at east coast and had casual talks...cars, family members and my r.s prob...although i feel its hard for me to open up but its good to know that he actually makes the effort to listen to my woes...Thanks kor kor!

Headed home after the dinner and talk with my bro...talked to her online regarding us...slightly better as at least she starts to open up to things between us..its more of a 2 ways communication between us..told her about my thoughts, feeling and the reason why i wanted the house.. As the house really carries huge meaning behind the belief i hold...The house is suppose to be the fruit that we going to work hard together...and its suppose to be a constant common goal for us to work towards to....n few years down the road it will be our future home our future world that belongs to 2 of us....and its going to be a reason and pleasant memories in few years to come for us...And its not like the gamble we took last time round when we put deposit the unit that we chose...

Talking about why the previous round the other guy is able to trigger a start with her...and i starts to wonder..is this time round the same for this guy? and m i the last one to know again? But i still chose to believe in her...when all of my frens are telling me that hey "get your facts right and wake up...all these are already right smack in front of u...why u still believe her...or u really want catch them in "ACTION" on the bed then i will finally wake up?Please stop being a fool and a puppet of hers.." Despite the bad impression she gave my frens, i still chose to believe in her that she is speaking the truth and not lying to me....

I do know that my OGF is worried and care for me..but sometimes I really cant help to turn to drinking to ease the pain in my heart and put myself to rest more with the help of liquors...but the quiet nights everyday is really hard to get by alone....tried so hard to pack my schedule so tight...shag out my body so that i can fall asleep without the help of liquors but all these just dun seems to be the solutions..but liquor is.....I really appreciate OGF's care and concern for me...and I know you really meant well for me...but i felt so helpless alone in the night nowadays...In the day in office, in front of people, in front of my frens, I can appear to be strong and telling people i will be fine i will be alright..but when late in the night i m left with nothing..i dun have to put up such strong fronts...i only got me myself to face...nothing and no one else but me myself....and i will feel so helpless...just like a kid drowning in the water and trying so hard to keep himself afloat and above the water to breathe....

And this is what i have to been through every night...its worst than any shyt or anything that you may encounter..what a psychological, mental and physical warfare i have to go through...its total shyt . . . . .

Things turning for the better?

Just ended a short chatting session with her... although it just a short casual chatting on msn..but hopefully things are turning for the better..but its good to hear from her than having no ideas on whats happening on her side or being ignored..but on the other hand i really dunoe when she will ignore me again...is this going to be a turning point to a better change or will she ignore mi once again tml? I really dunoe... It wasn't really something i dare to think or what...the higher i pin my hope on it..the harder i wil fall...haiz..will tonight going to be another sleepless night?

Call up HDB a few days ago to check on HLE application, sad to know that HDB advise me to resubmit the HLE application by end of this month to be on the safe side for the HDB loan...I really dunoe...If the flat is really forgo what i should I do? Move on or still stay in the r.s? I dun want the house to be a forever regret of us when we forgo now and if we ever able to make things rite for us in future, the house that we forgo now will always be remember for the wrong reason.. I really do not wish this to happen as its going to be a forever scar for us...Its only a week to month end but i wish we have more time to mend our r.s.. The question is can she do it after i make my stand so clear? It takes 2 hands to clap...But whatever the decision she has, i will respect it ba...as long as she is happy with what she wants...

Its already 130am..but i still cant get to sleep and tml is Monday once again...means its working day...still 2 weeks away from my trip..but it seems so far away...haiz..But lucky still got a JB food-getaway this coming weekend..Thanks to my close buddies...always there for me in such hard times...really thanks alot!

Its the long quiet night i need to get through once again . . . . .

Awaken from a terrible dream...

Its been a long drinking night and days or rather months of feeling unrest..Dunoe why did I start blogging as I always been a person who does not support blogging online.. Maybe is the dream, her or just wanna have a tiny space for me to satisfy my emotion needs.....

Frens been telling me to move on and its not worthwhile to sink deeper..although its a painful process for awhile and its not going to be an easy and straight path...i really dunoe.. Am I really just a spare to her or am I really someone who still stands a place in her heart?Maybe its just an answer that i never finds out...

I was so sad that when she ask me not to bother her the other day..or maybe i am just someone who is so annoying to her? Felt so hurt and upset to hear that from her...but on the very night she sms me...it really brighten up me to see a surprise sms update from her...it is like seeing rainbow after a passing rain..but such joys do not last long once again..after a couple of sms, everything seem to change the next day again....there are no replies to my sms-es again...and i realli dun understand why...am I just a spare to her as what frens told me? Is it when she needs me then sms me? felt so hurt to know that I am the LAST one that she will call in her call list...Or i have already become a passing person in her heart...

There is no denial that I did not handle our r.s well in the past but it seems to be that everything is a little too late for me to change to build back our r.s..Its so ironic that when i finally makes my stand and decide on changing myself for the better of her and us, the world just came crushing down on you..from pictures i only see her smiling so happily away but when it comes to talking abt our r.s i dun see the same kind of joy and happiness in her eyes anymore..Would she be a better and happier person without me? That is the question i been asking myself....Should I let go if she really feeling much happier without me in her life? But at the same time i cant bear to let go...

Drinking may not be the best solution to all these..but its currently the only option seems to left for me to put me into sleep when the quiet dark night arrives.. Felt so guilty that on Friday at work for showing such a black face in office..I dunoe how obvious it is but from my OGF and you know who you are if you ever read this, everyone seems to be asking her why am I like that today.. But I really cant make myself putting up a fake smile when i really feeling so terrible and sad inside me.. So just wanna say sorry to those who had to put up with my AS=ness that dae..

But i did feel better in the night..went for Ala cart buffet and movie with a few colleagues...Wasn't really a fantastic buffet nor movie but at least with their accompany, i am keeping myself occupy and i did feel better that night...Sitting on the platform looking at the sea did make me feel peaceful in my heart and thoughts...but as for the movie..i cant comment much..i fell aslp even before the movie starts..and slpt almost through out the movie..and the next day, i still have to ask my colleagues what is the show about? haha..told some of my frens about it but they sae its nutin new from me to slp inside the cinema..They comment that even Red cliff such exciting show i also can slp inside, I was left so dumbfounded..coz it is true hahaha....

Maybe i should stop here...time for me to get ready and head for tanning once again...