To Live My Life To The Fullest Each Day, Is to Live Like There Is No Tml?

Sometimes I really DREAD coming home early from work or logging on to FB..Clicking on links that I should not click..And seeing pictures i should not see...Seeing her in other guy's arms..There are no words that I can use to describe such feelings inside my heart...Pictures from album with her and the so called close primary school fren will NEVER be tagged on her FB..She gave the reason that her frens haven tag finish? But from what i see in those albums of others..those suppose to be tag are ALL TAGGED...except her...one album like that i give it a miss...2 albums also like that how u wan me to feel!!? and what shyt is..i always have to find out all these from other peoples' photo albums..that the shytest thing u can ever find out about someone who u love from OTHER ppl?And claiming that guy is her close primary school fren...close till such extend when we dun even take such photos...I dunoe...really dunoe...can someone enlighten me? And few years back she can complain to me that why i take such "Close" picture with a girl who came to know me while i am working for an event..to think back..the picture is NOTHING compare to hers....Told me that the guy is attached and also ballot the same BTO as us..but in all the outings where is the guy's other half den? no where to be found? or is she in the same state like me? being kept in the dark? Whats TRUTH? what LIES? what is what...I dunoe is there more to come or what but I am really feeling terrible inside my heart...She comment that what i feeling now is nothing compare to what she feels for years and its an understatement to compare the shyt feeling i feel to hers...But did I ever 2 time her? I maybe wrong in handling our r.s and at faults for all these...but did I ever give her the shyt feeling of being 2 time....Still love me was a statement she made n told me...but the actions she does tell mi like wise...m i really like what my close buddies said..I m just a spare tyre to her? when she finally can get over me she will just leave with the guy? So much I denied from so insecure...but yet i still believe in her...is this the right choice? the right belief?

Yesterday my brother actually called me and asked stuff about me and her..I was really caught by surprise by my bro..Is like me and him never in our life talk about such issue through out 20+ years...but he is actually the one who called me up and ask about r.s stuff...Its rather awkward as I dun really share my problems with my family...let alone r.s issues...but his care and concern really move me and inspire me even more to cherish my family and my love ones...Went for a dinner at east coast and had casual talks...cars, family members and my r.s prob...although i feel its hard for me to open up but its good to know that he actually makes the effort to listen to my woes...Thanks kor kor!

Headed home after the dinner and talk with my bro...talked to her online regarding us...slightly better as at least she starts to open up to things between us..its more of a 2 ways communication between us..told her about my thoughts, feeling and the reason why i wanted the house.. As the house really carries huge meaning behind the belief i hold...The house is suppose to be the fruit that we going to work hard together...and its suppose to be a constant common goal for us to work towards to....n few years down the road it will be our future home our future world that belongs to 2 of us....and its going to be a reason and pleasant memories in few years to come for us...And its not like the gamble we took last time round when we put deposit the unit that we chose...

Talking about why the previous round the other guy is able to trigger a start with her...and i starts to wonder..is this time round the same for this guy? and m i the last one to know again? But i still chose to believe in her...when all of my frens are telling me that hey "get your facts right and wake up...all these are already right smack in front of u...why u still believe her...or u really want catch them in "ACTION" on the bed then i will finally wake up?Please stop being a fool and a puppet of hers.." Despite the bad impression she gave my frens, i still chose to believe in her that she is speaking the truth and not lying to me....

I do know that my OGF is worried and care for me..but sometimes I really cant help to turn to drinking to ease the pain in my heart and put myself to rest more with the help of liquors...but the quiet nights everyday is really hard to get by alone....tried so hard to pack my schedule so tight...shag out my body so that i can fall asleep without the help of liquors but all these just dun seems to be the solutions..but liquor is.....I really appreciate OGF's care and concern for me...and I know you really meant well for me...but i felt so helpless alone in the night nowadays...In the day in office, in front of people, in front of my frens, I can appear to be strong and telling people i will be fine i will be alright..but when late in the night i m left with nothing..i dun have to put up such strong fronts...i only got me myself to face...nothing and no one else but me myself....and i will feel so helpless...just like a kid drowning in the water and trying so hard to keep himself afloat and above the water to breathe....

And this is what i have to been through every night...its worst than any shyt or anything that you may encounter..what a psychological, mental and physical warfare i have to go through...its total shyt . . . . .

Things turning for the better?

Just ended a short chatting session with her... although it just a short casual chatting on msn..but hopefully things are turning for the better..but its good to hear from her than having no ideas on whats happening on her side or being ignored..but on the other hand i really dunoe when she will ignore me again...is this going to be a turning point to a better change or will she ignore mi once again tml? I really dunoe... It wasn't really something i dare to think or what...the higher i pin my hope on it..the harder i wil fall...haiz..will tonight going to be another sleepless night?

Call up HDB a few days ago to check on HLE application, sad to know that HDB advise me to resubmit the HLE application by end of this month to be on the safe side for the HDB loan...I really dunoe...If the flat is really forgo what i should I do? Move on or still stay in the r.s? I dun want the house to be a forever regret of us when we forgo now and if we ever able to make things rite for us in future, the house that we forgo now will always be remember for the wrong reason.. I really do not wish this to happen as its going to be a forever scar for us...Its only a week to month end but i wish we have more time to mend our r.s.. The question is can she do it after i make my stand so clear? It takes 2 hands to clap...But whatever the decision she has, i will respect it ba...as long as she is happy with what she wants...

Its already 130am..but i still cant get to sleep and tml is Monday once again...means its working day...still 2 weeks away from my trip..but it seems so far away...haiz..But lucky still got a JB food-getaway this coming weekend..Thanks to my close buddies...always there for me in such hard times...really thanks alot!

Its the long quiet night i need to get through once again . . . . .

Awaken from a terrible dream...

Its been a long drinking night and days or rather months of feeling unrest..Dunoe why did I start blogging as I always been a person who does not support blogging online.. Maybe is the dream, her or just wanna have a tiny space for me to satisfy my emotion needs.....

Frens been telling me to move on and its not worthwhile to sink deeper..although its a painful process for awhile and its not going to be an easy and straight path...i really dunoe.. Am I really just a spare to her or am I really someone who still stands a place in her heart?Maybe its just an answer that i never finds out...

I was so sad that when she ask me not to bother her the other day..or maybe i am just someone who is so annoying to her? Felt so hurt and upset to hear that from her...but on the very night she sms me...it really brighten up me to see a surprise sms update from her...it is like seeing rainbow after a passing rain..but such joys do not last long once again..after a couple of sms, everything seem to change the next day again....there are no replies to my sms-es again...and i realli dun understand why...am I just a spare to her as what frens told me? Is it when she needs me then sms me? felt so hurt to know that I am the LAST one that she will call in her call list...Or i have already become a passing person in her heart...

There is no denial that I did not handle our r.s well in the past but it seems to be that everything is a little too late for me to change to build back our r.s..Its so ironic that when i finally makes my stand and decide on changing myself for the better of her and us, the world just came crushing down on you..from pictures i only see her smiling so happily away but when it comes to talking abt our r.s i dun see the same kind of joy and happiness in her eyes anymore..Would she be a better and happier person without me? That is the question i been asking myself....Should I let go if she really feeling much happier without me in her life? But at the same time i cant bear to let go...

Drinking may not be the best solution to all these..but its currently the only option seems to left for me to put me into sleep when the quiet dark night arrives.. Felt so guilty that on Friday at work for showing such a black face in office..I dunoe how obvious it is but from my OGF and you know who you are if you ever read this, everyone seems to be asking her why am I like that today.. But I really cant make myself putting up a fake smile when i really feeling so terrible and sad inside me.. So just wanna say sorry to those who had to put up with my AS=ness that dae..

But i did feel better in the night..went for Ala cart buffet and movie with a few colleagues...Wasn't really a fantastic buffet nor movie but at least with their accompany, i am keeping myself occupy and i did feel better that night...Sitting on the platform looking at the sea did make me feel peaceful in my heart and thoughts...but as for the movie..i cant comment much..i fell aslp even before the movie starts..and slpt almost through out the movie..and the next day, i still have to ask my colleagues what is the show about? haha..told some of my frens about it but they sae its nutin new from me to slp inside the cinema..They comment that even Red cliff such exciting show i also can slp inside, I was left so dumbfounded..coz it is true hahaha....

Maybe i should stop here...time for me to get ready and head for tanning once again...