Sometimes I really DREAD coming home early from work or logging on to FB..Clicking on links that I should not click..And seeing pictures i should not see...Seeing her in other guy's arms..There are no words that I can use to describe such feelings inside my heart...Pictures from album with her and the so called close primary school fren will NEVER be tagged on her FB..She gave the reason that her frens haven tag finish? But from what i see in those albums of others..those suppose to be tag are ALL TAGGED...except her...one album like that i give it a miss...2 albums also like that how u wan me to feel!!? and what shyt is..i always have to find out all these from other peoples' photo albums..that the shytest thing u can ever find out about someone who u love from OTHER ppl?And claiming that guy is her close primary school fren...close till such extend when we dun even take such photos...I dunoe...really dunoe...can someone enlighten me? And few years back she can complain to me that why i take such "Close" picture with a girl who came to know me while i am working for an event..to think back..the picture is NOTHING compare to hers....Told me that the guy is attached and also ballot the same BTO as us..but in all the outings where is the guy's other half den? no where to be found? or is she in the same state like me? being kept in the dark? Whats TRUTH? what LIES? what is what...I dunoe is there more to come or what but I am really feeling terrible inside my heart...She comment that what i feeling now is nothing compare to what she feels for years and its an understatement to compare the shyt feeling i feel to hers...But did I ever 2 time her? I maybe wrong in handling our r.s and at faults for all these...but did I ever give her the shyt feeling of being 2 time....Still love me was a statement she made n told me...but the actions she does tell mi like wise...m i really like what my close buddies said..I m just a spare tyre to her? when she finally can get over me she will just leave with the guy? So much I denied from so insecure...but yet i still believe in her...is this the right choice? the right belief?
Yesterday my brother actually called me and asked stuff about me and her..I was really caught by surprise by my bro..Is like me and him never in our life talk about such issue through out 20+ years...but he is actually the one who called me up and ask about r.s stuff...Its rather awkward as I dun really share my problems with my family...let alone r.s issues...but his care and concern really move me and inspire me even more to cherish my family and my love ones...Went for a dinner at east coast and had casual talks...cars, family members and my r.s prob...although i feel its hard for me to open up but its good to know that he actually makes the effort to listen to my woes...Thanks kor kor!
Headed home after the dinner and talk with my bro...talked to her online regarding us...slightly better as at least she starts to open up to things between us..its more of a 2 ways communication between us..told her about my thoughts, feeling and the reason why i wanted the house.. As the house really carries huge meaning behind the belief i hold...The house is suppose to be the fruit that we going to work hard together...and its suppose to be a constant common goal for us to work towards to....n few years down the road it will be our future home our future world that belongs to 2 of us....and its going to be a reason and pleasant memories in few years to come for us...And its not like the gamble we took last time round when we put deposit the unit that we chose...
Talking about why the previous round the other guy is able to trigger a start with her...and i starts to wonder..is this time round the same for this guy? and m i the last one to know again? But i still chose to believe in her...when all of my frens are telling me that hey "get your facts right and wake up...all these are already right smack in front of u...why u still believe her...or u really want catch them in "ACTION" on the bed then i will finally wake up?Please stop being a fool and a puppet of hers.." Despite the bad impression she gave my frens, i still chose to believe in her that she is speaking the truth and not lying to me....
I do know that my OGF is worried and care for me..but sometimes I really cant help to turn to drinking to ease the pain in my heart and put myself to rest more with the help of liquors...but the quiet nights everyday is really hard to get by alone....tried so hard to pack my schedule so tight...shag out my body so that i can fall asleep without the help of liquors but all these just dun seems to be the solutions..but liquor is.....I really appreciate OGF's care and concern for me...and I know you really meant well for me...but i felt so helpless alone in the night nowadays...In the day in office, in front of people, in front of my frens, I can appear to be strong and telling people i will be fine i will be alright..but when late in the night i m left with nothing..i dun have to put up such strong fronts...i only got me myself to face...nothing and no one else but me myself....and i will feel so helpless...just like a kid drowning in the water and trying so hard to keep himself afloat and above the water to breathe....
And this is what i have to been through every night...its worst than any shyt or anything that you may encounter..what a psychological, mental and physical warfare i have to go through...its total shyt . . . . .
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