Its been a long drinking night and days or rather months of feeling unrest..Dunoe why did I start blogging as I always been a person who does not support blogging online.. Maybe is the dream, her or just wanna have a tiny space for me to satisfy my emotion needs.....
Frens been telling me to move on and its not worthwhile to sink deeper..although its a painful process for awhile and its not going to be an easy and straight path...i really dunoe.. Am I really just a spare to her or am I really someone who still stands a place in her heart?Maybe its just an answer that i never finds out...
I was so sad that when she ask me not to bother her the other day..or maybe i am just someone who is so annoying to her? Felt so hurt and upset to hear that from her...but on the very night she sms me...it really brighten up me to see a surprise sms update from her...it is like seeing rainbow after a passing rain..but such joys do not last long once again..after a couple of sms, everything seem to change the next day again....there are no replies to my sms-es again...and i realli dun understand why...am I just a spare to her as what frens told me? Is it when she needs me then sms me? felt so hurt to know that I am the LAST one that she will call in her call list...Or i have already become a passing person in her heart...
There is no denial that I did not handle our r.s well in the past but it seems to be that everything is a little too late for me to change to build back our r.s..Its so ironic that when i finally makes my stand and decide on changing myself for the better of her and us, the world just came crushing down on you..from pictures i only see her smiling so happily away but when it comes to talking abt our r.s i dun see the same kind of joy and happiness in her eyes anymore..Would she be a better and happier person without me? That is the question i been asking myself....Should I let go if she really feeling much happier without me in her life? But at the same time i cant bear to let go...
Drinking may not be the best solution to all these..but its currently the only option seems to left for me to put me into sleep when the quiet dark night arrives.. Felt so guilty that on Friday at work for showing such a black face in office..I dunoe how obvious it is but from my OGF and you know who you are if you ever read this, everyone seems to be asking her why am I like that today.. But I really cant make myself putting up a fake smile when i really feeling so terrible and sad inside me.. So just wanna say sorry to those who had to put up with my AS=ness that dae..
But i did feel better in the night..went for Ala cart buffet and movie with a few colleagues...Wasn't really a fantastic buffet nor movie but at least with their accompany, i am keeping myself occupy and i did feel better that night...Sitting on the platform looking at the sea did make me feel peaceful in my heart and thoughts...but as for the movie..i cant comment much..i fell aslp even before the movie starts..and slpt almost through out the movie..and the next day, i still have to ask my colleagues what is the show about? haha..told some of my frens about it but they sae its nutin new from me to slp inside the cinema..They comment that even Red cliff such exciting show i also can slp inside, I was left so dumbfounded..coz it is true hahaha....
Maybe i should stop here...time for me to get ready and head for tanning once again...
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